“I was looking for a job, and then I found a job,
And heaven knows I’m miserable now....”
–The Smiths, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”
With today’s economy, it can be next to impossible to finda decent job which will provide for all your--and more importantly, all your creditors’--needs. Here’s a few hints on how to set up your job hunt for the greatest degree of success*
Hint #1: The resume
This is the first thing you’re going to need to do if you want to do anything other than basic retail. The resume is your way of introducing yourself, and your skills, to potential employers. It is vitally important to first list all of your contact information at the top in a nice, organized, and impressive format, because half the time, this will be all they look at. Make your name nice and big, and bold if you like, and follow it with your mailing address, your email address, and every telephone number you have ever had or remembered in your entire life. This guarantees that when they are wowed by what ever else you list, they’ll be able to find you.
Next, tell them about your education. Do not lie here, as it is rather easy to call up a scholastic institution to find out if you’ve actually ever attended. And beware, even those you have attended might have managed to misplace your file, if they’re anything like a number of institutions I have heard about. Make sure, when you get the job, to portray as much intelligence as you would have gained at any of the schools you’ve listed, so they don’t feel the need to check up on you.
(You may also want to list any special classes you took at these institutions, such as “How to Deal with Irate Customers”, or “Kissing Up to Your Boss 101")
Then move on to your skills. If you’ve ever passed any class, then you’ve managed to figure out how to “organize and prioritize multiple tasks for maximum speed and efficiency”. Try to think like that when you’re writing this section. Again, don’t lie, but feel free to put in as many extra, big words as possible. They make you look more impressive.
Now its time for your work experience. Try to make this thorough, though remember, after a certain amount of time has passed since you’ve held a job, it no longer seems quite so important. So though you may have managed a successful lemonade stand business when you were six, it’s not the sort of information that your boss-to-be needs to know. Think back to any times when you may have helped out your parents or friends at their job, such as helping with the filing, answering the phones, or packing things up for storage. This makes you a “secretary’s assistant”, and while it is not technically employment, the fact that you volunteered to do such remedial tasks will let them know that you’re desperate for something to do at the very least, and that they can pay you as little as possible.
Do not list any jobs that you’ve had that you unexpectedly quit, or only worked for a couple of days. It will not help your cause, and odds are your former employer will not remember you anyway.
Finish the document off with your references. Try to get as many as your former bosses in there as possible, but remember that if your job was out of state, they’re not going to be as willing to call them. This might, if you are feeling inadequate and under-experienced, work in your favor.
Hint #2: the want ads
Step two is to start looking through the want ads in the paper and making note of any places that are hiring that you might be a good candidate for. Along with the papers, don’t forget to check online, and drive around your area looking for “help wanted signs”, as actually looking at the ads will make you realize that if you’d just skipped college entirely, like that guy from your shop class did, and made an effort to learn some sort of useful skill, such as carpentry or plumbing, you’d be gainfully employed by now. No matter what, the majority of the ads you see will require either much more schooling that you have, or at the very least, an education in some field you had not even considered. I bet you’re regretting that Philosophy major now, aren’t you.
Hint #3: the interview
If you’re lucky enough to get called back by any of the millions of places you sent your application to, there a couple of things you’ll want to remember so that you can’t make a good impression. Be on time, or early, if possible. Dress nicely and professionally, concealing all of those weird things you did to your body back in college when it didn’t matter what you looked like. And most importantly, figure out what the heck it is that the company does. If your newspaper and online want ads are anything like those down here in Gainesville, the company will not have bothered to list their name on the ad, because that costs too much money.
Hint #4: not getting screwed
Don’t let your future employer steamroll you through the discussion of payment and hours. If you do, you’ll end up somewhere like I did, working as a “receptionist” at a used car dealership, spending 54 hours a week calling people to demand that they pay your company the money that they owe, making less than minimum wage for doing so, and not being allowed to talk to anyone else or do anything useful, like read. By the end of your nine hour work day, you will be staring at the wall, pretending that you’re looking through the file folder in front of you and wondering why, oh why, didn’t you just go to trade school.
*It should be noted that I do not currently have a job. I had one for a couple of days, but then I had to quit.
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