Well, yesterday was spent, in its entirety, on the road. Seriously, I slept in, got up around 12:30, packed up my little 4 door sedan (with my brother’s help), then hit the road for twelve hours. By the time I got back to Florida, it was 1:30 am, and I basically just fed my cat and went straight to bed. However, the day was not entirely wasted, as I did manage to make several important observations while on the road:
The worst offense you can make when driving on a two lane highway is to be in the left lane going slower than whoever is behind you. Suitable punishment for such an offense is to be tailgated ruthlessly until you have the good sense to move over to the right lane. Even if you are driving next to an 18 wheeler. It is suggested that you speed up so as to pass said 18 wheeler as swiftly as possible, and get out of the way of the self-important SOB who is threatening your car’s personal bubble.
Speeding up is not, however, a proper response to being passed. Especially when you are being passed on the left. The left lane is, in fact, the passing lane. Someone driving faster than you is not meant to be an attack upon your masculinity or sexual prowess. It simply means that they are in more of a hurry to get where ever they are going than you are. Instead of feeling threatened when passed, relax, calm down, smile, perhaps offer the passer a wave. After all, they are simply increasing their chances of getting pulled over, which will leave a dent in their self-worth, as well as their wallet.
Those cute little surfer jeeps, you know, the ones that actually look like what you think of when you think Jeep, not those giant SUV things, are great. They’re fun to see on the road because no matter who is behind the wheel, they have managed to make themselves ten times cooler for driving it. However, said jeeps headlights look really bizarre when spotted in your rearview mirror late at night.
Do not go over the speed limit on route 301 through central Florida. When those signs say “speed limit strictly enforced” they mean it.
18 wheelers are not meant to be threatening. The drivers are professionals, they literally drive for a living. They know how to maintain control of their vehicle, and odds are that if you are not in their blind spot, they will not merge into you. 18 wheelers going 90 miles an hour and tailgating you, however, are scary. Get out of its way. It WILL win in a fight.
If you are the sort of person who puts those purple lights into your undercarriage, cut it out. They don’t look cool, and they do distract the other drivers on the road.
If you drive one of those cars with halogen headlights, cut it out. They change colors depending on what angle you’re looking at them, which is distracting to other drivers, and even the low beams hurt.
Old people do not necessarily drive slowly. Young people do not necessarily drive quickly. Don’t judge your fellow driver by their speed. Judge them when you can actually see them.
Rear windscreen stickers in odd fonts are next to impossible to read on the road. Don’t tailgate the car in order to see what it says, because odds are, it’s something dumb.
The older gentleman with the white ponytail and beard who drives the modified, short yellow school bus through northern NC is my hero. I’ve seen him on a few different drives now. Respect the Love Bus.
White vans with ladders on their roof are creepy. You are allowed to be nervous when driving behind one.
When loading the back of your station wagon with various lengths of two by four, make sure they are secured properly. While this did not happen on my drive this summer, I have seen two by fours come careening out of the back of a station wagon at an intersection. It sucks, and it will delay your fellow drivers.
If you’ve been driving for awhile, and instead of reading a road sign properly, you read it as saying “Gypsy Death”, this a message with important meaning. It says: “get off the road and take a break, already, stupid”.
All rest stops are basically the same. If the rest stop does not have vending machines*, it is basically useless.
Always travel with cash. Some gas stations in South Carolina do not take credit.
No matter where you are, or what time of day/year it is, every Waffle House sign will have at least one letter unlit.
Don’t cut people off, unless you have to. Even if you can’t hear them, they will say horrible things about your mother.
And finally: listening to a book on tape and/or writing a book of your own in your head is a very useful way to pass the time on a long road trip. Try to only do it when you know you will be going in one direction on the same road for a long time. Ending up missing your exit and going the wrong way on 495 not half an hour into a 12 hour journey sucks.
* specifically, the Virginia Welcome Center rest stop near Manassas on interstate 66
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