What follows is actually a paper I wrote for a religious studies class in college. I think it begs the question: What kind of Messiah isn't appropriate for children under the age of three?
It is truly astounding the number of “Jesus loves you”, “WWJD”, and other inspirational Jesus items you can find from bulk and novelty catalogues. Everything from simple embroidered bracelets to glow-in-the-dark smiley-faced bouncy balls. All sincerely and sickeningly professing Jesus’ undying love for the world. So where does the modernization and popularization of Jesus stop? Not at action figures, apparently.
The novelty and gift catalogue Archie McPhee has not one, but two Jesus action figures available for the reasonable price of either $6.95 or $10.95. The figures have articulating shoulders, but that’s about all the action you’ll see from these messiahs. Their arms are held out-spread in a welcoming pose, and one of them is wearing what I suppose is meant to be an expression of kind forgiveness, but actually looks a bit like a knowing smirk. The other has “wheels in his base for smooth gliding action”, which is either supposed to make him look creepily mystical, or as though he’s wearing roller-skates. The Jesuses (Jesi? I don’t suppose there is an accepted plural of “Jesus”) come in either a package bearing an artist’s rendition of ancient Judea, with important biblical quotes on the back, and the muddled visual allusion of the shape of the ten commandments stones (is this supposed to be Jesus, or Moses?); or a painted backdrop of the disciples in the mountains, perhaps awaiting one of Jesus’ famous sermons. Over all, the Jesuses follow the usual Christian visualization of the savior, from the long, flowing robes (either in white and red, or a more Franciscan robe in earthy tones), longish hair and beard, and showing the same pleasant expression whether he’s arguing with bands of evil pharisees or changing a baby’s diaper.
The only real novel thing about these Jesuses is the fact that they are action figures. Jesus is now joining the ranks of GI Joe, Superman, and the other popular super heros. The message is clear. Jesus is a super hero. He saves people. Not with kung-fu grip and dynamic kicking action, but with swinging arms and a pleasant demeanor. As one ad proclaims: “this action figure will have even Darth Vader or Spawn down on their knees praying for forgiveness.... this 5" plastic Jesus with poseable arms can save the soul of even the most demonic toy, even a teletubby”. These Jesuses exist to get small boys to take a kinder, gentler approach to their bloody battles with Godzilla. Once the Incredible Hulk and Batman have been defeated, Jesus swoops in, raises his arms to the Lord, and Godzilla realizes the error in his heathen ways, converts, and joins a monastery.
Perhaps the most important thing to note about the Jesuses however is in the final warning of the ad: “Cannot walk on water and is not suitable for children under 3 years of age”. Now really, what sort of Jesus can’t even walk on water? That’s what I’d like to know. Maybe they’ll settle that problem in the Adventures of Jesus, Son of God comic book, when he crosses over with Spiderman.
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